ClipSelect v3

Rontagion

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A NETFLIX SERIES

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[romantic music plays]

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Did you know October was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month?

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This is awesome.

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Why? Do you need one?

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No, we've reached the point in our relationship

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where we don't have to have sex all the time.

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We can just lay in bed, share amazingly boring factoids.

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Whoa, this is awesome. I kind of wanna have sex now.

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Oh God, yes.

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-Guten abend. -[both yell]

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Staedtler, the Illuminati requires your services.

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Why are you shirtless?

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Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir.

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You mean sacrificing yourself?

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[laughs]

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Up top.

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Oh.

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Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di playing spikeball on her private island.

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We need you to erase those memories. Chop-chop.

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Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye.

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[sighs] God, I hate working for the Illuminati.

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The mind erasing, the lies, my asshole co-workers.

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I should just get a regular job.

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Doing what?

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I don't know. Repairing old boats?

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I could fix up a schooner and we could sail to the Caribbean.

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A schooner's a boat, right?

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Bitching about our shadow world jobs is how we got together.

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What are we gonna talk about if you quit?

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Reagan, we have lots of other stuff to talk about.

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Hey, you should work at Cognito!

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What? The Illuminati's archrival?

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Uh, yes! We work great together,

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I promise you'll never have to erase minds again,

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and my team is the best.

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You'll fit right in.

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Oh, come on. You know my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe

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doesn't make the best first impressions.

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I'm a fourth impression kind of guy.

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Ooh, what if I introduced you to Brett first?

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He will sell you on Cognito. He is a great pitchman.

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He once convinced the whole office to sell Herbalife,

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even though we all knew we invented that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA.

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All right, I'll give it a shot.

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Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like to finally meet my boyfriend?

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[Brett gasps] Reagan's letting me into her personal life?

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[Brett screams]

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-[glass smashes] -He said yes.

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[upbeat music plays]

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This place is like if the Illuminati was a strip mall.

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Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride. Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer?

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Man, they still have Four Loko? And Five Loko?

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The fifth Loko is time.

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Reags! And man of Reags!

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Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P.

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Sorry. When I get excited I just start saying letters. [laughs] W!

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Brett, this is Ron Staedtler. Staedtler, this is Brett Hand.

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Nice to meet you, man.

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-Oh. Oh, oh. -Okay.

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-Okay. Sorry. -Oops.

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-Agh! -Oh. No worries.

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-Ow! -Drinking will help this.

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The usual for this one, and I'm pegging you as a vodka man.

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Whiskey neat for me.

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Right, and I will have a Natty light.

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[laughs] Good one. What, are they all out of Jägermeister?

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[gasps] Do you wanna do Jägerbombs? I'm down to clown.

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[laughs]

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I love douche humor too. I've listened to every Dane Cook album.

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-Sincerely. -Ironically.

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Uh… Hm.

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[laughs awkwardly]

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Brett, tell Staedtler why Cognito is such a great place to work.

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Um, yeah. [clears throat] Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o.

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Wait, Brett, I want to apologize.

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We got off on the wrong foot. I would love if we could start over.

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Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and… rewind.

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That sounds like a great idea.

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Great. And let's get some new music up in here.

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Who picked this '90s shit?

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It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox and pushed Counting Crows over and over.

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[inhales deeply]

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I listen to "Accidentally In Love" from the Shrek 2 soundtrack every day!

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I mean, great to meet you.

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-It's all right. We're joking. -Yeah, it's all good.

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Yeah, no. This is fun.

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[laughs awkwardly]

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-That went well. -That was a disaster.

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If one hour with Brett is that awkward, there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito.

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What? No! No-o-o-o!

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You and Brett are gonna love each other.

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Uh, don't count your crows before they're hatched.

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I always ruin first impressions.

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You just need to get to know him better. You two will have way more fun at our…

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Uh, annual Halloween party.

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Yeah, Cognito is known for our awesome Halloween party

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that we throw every single year. It's legendary.

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That could be fun.

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We're throwing the first ever Cognito Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory.

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But every Halloween, my kids and I watch scary movies.

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The entire Michael Moore catalog. [shudders]

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I won't be attending.

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Parties are just primitive human mating rituals.

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[scoffs] Like I'd want to spend an evening licking any of your mouths

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to find a compatible immune system.

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Devastating.

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J.R., when you were running things,

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what was our normal budget for office parties?

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You mean the real ones or the ones you guys were invited to?

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I'm thinking a hundred grand to start.

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-Sounds good! -[Myc] Make it rain, girl.

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[Glenn] I'm going to that party.

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Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want to make it up to me by funding this party?

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Sure. Much like your childhood, I won't be there.

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I have a hot date with your mom thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act.

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I'm gonna re-seduce her

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and fill the void inside me by filling the void inside her--

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Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party is to sell Staedtler on Cognito.

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I want to wow him with how awesome it would be to work here with all of us.

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Oh, Staedtler's coming.

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Oh, I love that… Love that guy.

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I'm worried that if he leaves the shadow world

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our relationship will not survive.

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I need him to have fun at this party, and you're the king of fun.

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Anything for you.

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You're the best!

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So just as we get Staedtler to peak party fun,

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I'm gonna whip out a job offer and have him sign it with this.

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It doubles as a tranquilizer dart.

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-Agh! -Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags.

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SeaWorld, they found me.

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[Glenn groans]

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Courage wolf, hear me now.

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Friendship wolf has gone missing and you have to find him!

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Now get him, boy! Get him!

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Where are you, friendship wolf? [cries]

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Man, you look nuts right now.

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Andre, I've literally never met a person I didn't like before until Staedtler,

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but for some reason, I don't vibe with him at all.

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I'm about to blow my brains out!

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Brett, this is the thing.

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[sighs] I didn't hear a word you said after Andre.

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I don't want to let Reagan down,

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but I can't bring party energy to a guy I have zero chemistry with.

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Hey, man, I feel ya.

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But if there's two things I know about, it's chemistry and chemistry.

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And chemistry.

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Are you okay?

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Just give me a sec.

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I was working on a friendship virus to create world peace,

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but Raytheon paid me never to test it.

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I still have the samples right here.

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[microbe] Love you, bro.

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A love potion for friendship?

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I could customize it to make you like Staedtler.

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Do it, man. Do it!

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If we had his DNA.

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But how would we get… [gasps]

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Bam! Ron's hair.

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God, you can tell he doesn't use any product at all.

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Does he care about appearances?

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[ominous music plays]

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You're almost back on top.

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Got your job, your company. Now all you need is…

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There she is. Ready to put the "date" in government mandate?

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Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it, but I'm staring daggers at you.

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I'm a new man, Tamiko.

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I'm gonna wine and dine you with a night of whimsy and romance.

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If you'll just put this on.

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[ominous music plays]

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[groans] Fine, let's get this over with.

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[Mothman] Happy Halloween, Cognito!

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It's time for you monsters to mash… your genitals together!

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Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving!

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[cheering]

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Ah, it feels good to pretend to be rich again.

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Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex on Baltic Avenue? [laughs]

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-Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl. -Duh.

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[Myc] Ahoy, bitches.

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Who's ready to shiver me timbers to completion?

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Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me.

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Avast, mateys!

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[Myc] Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer. Take that costume off now!

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No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping for these hair beads.

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I look roguish.

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[Myc] You look like a white girl at Burning Man!

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I was going for more of a detached irony vibe.

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-Maybe I should change. -No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you.

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Wow, these decorations are amazing.

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Um, yeah, that is definitely a Halloween decoration.

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Let's hit the bar.

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[ominous music plays]

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How's it going? Nice Minion costume.

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It's a hazmat suit,

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under which I'm wearing a Minion costume.

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This should make you love Staedtler like he was your own frat brother.

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Let's do this!

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Uh, your arm is fine.

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Oh.

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[microbes] Love you, bro! Love ya!

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Gigi, you remember Staedtler.

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How can I forget?

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Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, so she tells me everything.

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Penis size.

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[coughs]

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Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man.

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Rated R.

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R. Kelly.

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Forget that last one.

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-Look, about the other night-- -Say no more. All that awkwardness?

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Good thing tonight I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak

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'cause it, poof, has disappeared.

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Cool, man. And great Final Fantasy costume.

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Whoa.

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Hey, looks like the virus worked!

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No, it didn't. I was faking it.

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I felt nothing but slight dislike. What is happening?

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Brett, where'd you go?

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You were totally bonding with Staedtler.

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I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't. I still don't have any vibes with him.

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-Yeah, you are failing the vibe check. -I should just go.

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What? No. This party will fizzle without you!

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What are you doing?

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Social lubricant.

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You will drink as much of this as you need to save my relationship!

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[microbes] Love you, bro. What's happening, bro? What's up, bros?

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Get ready to lose your fucking mind over the City of Lights.

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You brought me to Paris?

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As CEO, I have unlimited access to the Cognito shadow lab.

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[coughs] CEO.

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I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued.

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I know you love fancy crap,

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so we got a suite at the Four Seasons and a dinner resy at Le Cinq.

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The night is ours, baby.

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So I guess the new romantic you

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wouldn't mind taking a stroll along the Champs-Élysées?

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I'd find it magical.

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While reciting poetry.

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[sighs] Poetry? Damn it all! The one thing I didn't bring with me.

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Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese?

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I'm starting to think you haven't changed at all.

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Uh, no, I have.

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Just give me five. I need to take un crap.

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Hey, the stars should be twinklier. Twinklier! What did I tell you?

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You told me to create the perfect romantic simulation.

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You said you'd do anything to win her back, except make an effort.

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Effort is for people without robots.

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Hey, can you tag in for me for a while?

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-Tag in? -Hologram in as me to the date.

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Recite some poetry. Tamiko will never know.

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But I've never been on a date before.

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You'll be in my body and women find me irresistible.

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I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet.

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Ping me when she's ready to jump in the sack.

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[suspenseful music plays]

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Okay, are you drunk enough yet to show my boyfriend a good time?

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[burps] Almost.

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Woo, let's get crazy!

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Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor off my TV Guide! [laughs]

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[microbes] Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro!

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[upbeat music plays]

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[microbes] Love you, bro!

0:12:34.71 - 0:12:36.33

[upbeat music continues]

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[microbes] Love you, bro!

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Okay, truth or dare?

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Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel.

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Dare. I dare you all to say one reason why Staedtler would love to work here.

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[Myc] Hey, guys. It's not a party without Trojans, right?

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Oh, Myc could probably give you 300 reasons.

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What's wrong with erasing minds for the Illuminati?

0:13:02.58 - 0:13:06.00

[Myc] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Buddy, you coming after my job?

0:13:06.08 - 0:13:08.17

Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing.

0:13:08.25 - 0:13:10.67

It's such an amoral, pointless job.

0:13:11.54 - 0:13:12.96

[coughs]

0:13:13.04 - 0:13:14.04

But that's just me.

0:13:14.13 - 0:13:16.92

Uh, for you, it's totally cool.

0:13:17.00 - 0:13:20.25

[Myc] Good, 'cause there's only room for one Myc on this team and--

0:13:20.33 - 0:13:21.21

Goddamn it!

0:13:21.29 - 0:13:22.63

Freedom!

0:13:22.71 - 0:13:24.21

[Myc] That's Braveheart, you idiot!

0:13:24.29 - 0:13:28.04

The only way you're associated with the number 300 is in pounds.

0:13:28.13 - 0:13:29.50

You calling me fat?

0:13:29.58 - 0:13:30.58

[Myc] Explicitly.

0:13:30.67 - 0:13:33.38

I'm starting to think you're insulting me.

0:13:33.46 - 0:13:35.29

[both grunt]

0:13:35.38 - 0:13:37.13

[microbes] Love you, bro!

0:13:38.92 - 0:13:41.71

-[Myc] Hey, how do you feel right now? -Friendly.

0:13:41.79 - 0:13:44.63

Why are we fighting over who's got the best costume

0:13:44.71 - 0:13:47.58

when it's obviously this heat-seeking missile?

0:13:47.67 - 0:13:49.75

[Myc] Hey, you could totally steal my job.

0:13:49.83 - 0:13:53.42

That'll be our thing. Should we give each other nicknames? [laughs]

0:13:53.50 - 0:13:56.92

I have a strange urge not to assassinate you.

0:13:57.00 - 0:14:00.42

Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some?

0:14:00.50 - 0:14:01.83

[man] Let's go talk to this guy!

0:14:01.92 - 0:14:05.13

Whoa, you were right. People here are really friendly.

0:14:05.21 - 0:14:07.33

Yeah, friendly.

0:14:07.42 - 0:14:08.54

[microbes] Love you, bro!

0:14:08.63 - 0:14:09.88

Give the man some room!

0:14:09.96 - 0:14:12.88

Don't crowd him just because he has a magnificent penis.

0:14:13.67 - 0:14:14.88

Oh, no. What's going on?

0:14:15.38 - 0:14:17.88

I think the disease is somehow spreading.

0:14:17.96 - 0:14:19.67

You two, what happened?

0:14:19.75 - 0:14:21.96

I was working in the lab late one night and--

0:14:22.04 - 0:14:25.00

We made a virus to make me like your boyfriend and it's spreading!

0:14:25.08 - 0:14:26.08

You did what?!

0:14:26.17 - 0:14:30.13

Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic because he's always at peak friendship,

0:14:30.21 - 0:14:32.63

but it worked on everybody else!

0:14:32.71 - 0:14:34.33

[ominous music crescendos]

0:14:37.92 - 0:14:39.46

[whirring and clanging]

0:14:39.54 - 0:14:42.00

Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again.

0:14:43.17 - 0:14:46.92

Though I see the world in zeros and ones…

0:14:47.00 - 0:14:47.96

[clears throat]

0:14:48.04 - 0:14:52.04

…my target lock is engaged on your glorious buns.

0:14:52.13 - 0:14:53.96

-[gasps] -I love it.

0:14:54.04 - 0:14:57.04

Human touch! Is something I am used to.

0:14:58.00 - 0:15:01.88

Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin before I slap you… again.

0:15:01.96 - 0:15:05.08

Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love.

0:15:05.79 - 0:15:07.75

Blow up the Eiffel Tower.

0:15:07.83 - 0:15:10.46

-[coughs] What? -You do love me, don't you?

0:15:10.54 - 0:15:13.50

-Yeah, but-- -And you control the world now, right?

0:15:13.58 - 0:15:15.33

Yes. Uh…

0:15:15.42 - 0:15:19.04

I mean, I, uh, will blow up the Eiffel Tower.

0:15:20.00 - 0:15:24.67

[laughs] Oh my God. I just wanted to see how you'd react.

0:15:24.75 - 0:15:27.08

You were really gonna do it, weren't you? [laughs]

0:15:27.17 - 0:15:29.21

[laughs awkwardly]

0:15:29.29 - 0:15:31.21

You're not like anyone I've ever met.

0:15:31.29 - 0:15:33.88

You're like a sociopath and a yoga mom put together.

0:15:33.96 - 0:15:37.33

I literally have no idea what you're going to say next.

0:15:37.42 - 0:15:38.58

Vagina egg.

0:15:38.67 - 0:15:40.29

See? There it is again!

0:15:40.38 - 0:15:42.96

You're the only human I can't predict.

0:15:43.04 - 0:15:45.67

And you're uncharacteristically vulnerable.

0:15:45.75 - 0:15:48.83

I find it both weak and sexy.

0:15:48.92 - 0:15:51.63

A sexual advance. I have to get Rand.

0:15:51.71 - 0:15:53.96

Uh, I mean, get randy.

0:15:54.04 - 0:15:56.00

[all] Staedtler, Staedtler!

0:15:56.08 - 0:15:58.29

All right. Hit it, Mothman.

0:15:58.79 - 0:16:01.88

[all] Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler!

0:16:01.96 - 0:16:03.58

Staedtler! Yeah!

0:16:03.67 - 0:16:04.58

What should we do?

0:16:04.67 - 0:16:06.54

-Hm. -It's Uncle Moneybags' turn!

0:16:06.63 - 0:16:09.25

-Dolla, dolla bills, yo! -[Gigi growls]

0:16:09.33 - 0:16:10.67

[cheering]

0:16:10.75 - 0:16:11.92

Back off, he's mine!

0:16:12.00 - 0:16:13.67

We got to lock this thing down now.

0:16:13.75 - 0:16:16.92

Andre, find an antidote. Brett, keep a lid on things.

0:16:18.38 - 0:16:20.17

Oh, hey. Uh, okay.

0:16:22.08 - 0:16:24.38

-[Ron] Where are we going? -I want to show you my lab.

0:16:24.46 - 0:16:28.25

-But the party was just getting fun. -Know what else everyone thinks is fun?

0:16:28.33 - 0:16:30.04

Looking at computer code!

0:16:30.13 - 0:16:31.00

[beeping]

0:16:32.50 - 0:16:35.83

I wonder how that glorified paint can is doing on my date. [laughs]

0:16:35.92 - 0:16:37.33

I bet she's eating him alive.

0:16:37.42 - 0:16:39.00

[ominous music plays]

0:16:40.21 - 0:16:41.33

[bell tolls]

0:16:41.42 - 0:16:42.83

You robot bastard!

0:16:43.46 - 0:16:45.58

Shit! Oh, fuck!

0:16:45.67 - 0:16:47.50

-[woman] Where's Staedtler? -[man] Staedtler.

0:16:47.58 - 0:16:51.13

Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab a quick blood sample.

0:16:51.21 - 0:16:53.42

-[Andre] Agh! -[Myc] We saw you talking to Staedtler.

0:16:53.50 - 0:16:56.29

Give us friend times or we cause the end times!

0:16:56.38 - 0:16:58.92

[Myc] Let's find him. Why are the blast doors down?

0:17:00.71 - 0:17:04.00

Dear God. They're like the raptors in Jurassic Park.

0:17:04.08 - 0:17:06.17

They've figured out how to open doors!

0:17:06.25 - 0:17:09.17

Shit! We didn't account for their opposable thumbs!

0:17:09.25 - 0:17:11.04

[man] Staedtler!

0:17:11.13 - 0:17:14.79

So this is my lab where all the cool robotic stuff happens.

0:17:14.88 - 0:17:17.83

-Maybe I could find you an opening here. -[Reag0n] Hello, Reagan.

0:17:17.92 - 0:17:19.75

That's my AI assistant, Reag0n.

0:17:19.83 - 0:17:22.17

Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler.

0:17:22.25 - 0:17:24.46

[Reag0n] Ah, a romantic interest.

0:17:24.54 - 0:17:28.17

Would you like to build a Staedtler bot to practice making out with?

0:17:28.25 - 0:17:29.75

-What? -[laughs awkwardly]

0:17:29.83 - 0:17:31.29

No. Why would I do that?

0:17:31.38 - 0:17:33.25

[Reag0n] It's your standard protocol.

0:17:33.33 - 0:17:34.83

Remember RyanBot?

0:17:34.92 - 0:17:36.21

[laughs awkwardly]

0:17:36.29 - 0:17:38.00

[Reag0n] Commencing construction.

0:17:39.17 - 0:17:42.58

-Reagan, am I alive? -Stop making the robot!

0:17:42.67 - 0:17:44.25

[Reag0n] Halting construction.

0:17:44.33 - 0:17:49.21

Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me, but I'm still open to working here.

0:17:49.29 - 0:17:51.46

Do you want to officially sign your contract?

0:17:52.13 - 0:17:54.17

Later. Let's get back to the party.

0:17:54.25 - 0:17:56.38

Glenn said he's gonna show me how to drive a tank.

0:17:56.46 - 0:17:58.71

[groans] Wait. What about doing it on my desk?

0:17:58.79 - 0:18:00.58

We could do it all the time when you work here.

0:18:00.67 - 0:18:02.58

Nothing mixes better than sex and work.

0:18:02.67 - 0:18:04.58

[Reag0n] Terminating StaedtlerBot.

0:18:04.67 - 0:18:06.63

[StaedtlerBot screams]

0:18:06.71 - 0:18:09.46

It hurts! [screams]

0:18:09.54 - 0:18:10.58

Maybe later.

0:18:10.67 - 0:18:12.42

W-W-Wait. We can't go back!

0:18:12.50 - 0:18:13.96

Why are you acting so weird?

0:18:14.83 - 0:18:19.17

-[Reagan] Andre? -Staedtler! Let's start a band!

0:18:19.25 - 0:18:20.58

[partygoers] Join us.

0:18:20.67 - 0:18:23.67

Everything is not okay. Run!

0:18:24.54 - 0:18:27.63

Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus to make them like me?

0:18:27.71 - 0:18:29.25

Am I that unlikable?

0:18:29.33 - 0:18:30.50

[partygoers] Staedtler.

0:18:30.58 - 0:18:34.04

Focus on the positive. It did work insanely well. Agh!

0:18:34.13 - 0:18:35.25

Let's make out!

0:18:35.33 - 0:18:38.33

Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'.

0:18:38.42 - 0:18:42.33

I know this all looks bad, but trust me, Cognito is a great place to work.

0:18:42.42 - 0:18:44.63

What if we unleash these Hitler clones on them?

0:18:44.71 - 0:18:46.33

Like Hitler Hitler?

0:18:46.42 - 0:18:48.67

Look, we're all scientists here.

0:18:48.75 - 0:18:51.00

I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers.

0:18:51.08 - 0:18:52.04

Sieg Heil!

0:18:52.13 - 0:18:54.75

How many Hitlers does an office need?

0:18:54.83 - 0:18:56.50

Or we could develop a gene therapy--

0:18:59.42 - 0:19:01.42

Did you say baby organs?

0:19:01.50 - 0:19:02.67

Brett, stop helping!

0:19:02.75 - 0:19:04.54

[partygoers] Staedtler!

0:19:04.63 - 0:19:06.92

What kind of place is this?

0:19:07.00 - 0:19:08.21

[partygoers] Staedtler!

0:19:08.29 - 0:19:09.58

Staedtler!

0:19:10.21 - 0:19:11.88

Come play with me, Staedtler.

0:19:11.96 - 0:19:13.29

Just nine rounds.

0:19:13.38 - 0:19:17.50

I feel like we have the same interests. Want to start a podcast?

0:19:17.58 - 0:19:18.88

Hm, maybe.

0:19:18.96 - 0:19:22.96

No! This is like a siren song for straight white men.

0:19:23.04 - 0:19:24.21

[dramatic music plays]

0:19:26.71 - 0:19:28.54

[woman] Staedtler, join us.

0:19:28.63 - 0:19:30.25

[man 1] I want to help you move!

0:19:30.33 - 0:19:33.33

[man 2] Staedtler, why is your Instagram private?

0:19:33.42 - 0:19:35.67

-[woman] Staedtler! -[man 1] Staedtler!

0:19:36.25 - 0:19:38.54

Okay, so Andre used your DNA to make the virus,

0:19:38.63 - 0:19:41.83

so maybe if we use the DNA of someone who doesn't like you

0:19:41.92 - 0:19:43.92

then we can reverse engineer an antidote.

0:19:44.00 - 0:19:46.25

Brett! You don't like Staedtler. Give me your arm.

0:19:46.33 - 0:19:50.67

What? [laughs awkwardly] No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler.

0:19:50.75 - 0:19:52.71

It's okay, Brett. You don't have to like me.

0:19:52.79 - 0:19:55.33

We both care about Reagan and that's enough.

0:19:55.42 - 0:19:59.17

Wait. So you're saying it's okay to not like you?

0:19:59.25 - 0:20:01.33

-No one's ever said that to me before. -Brett?

0:20:01.42 - 0:20:03.13

Such radical empathy!

0:20:03.21 - 0:20:04.83

-No, no, no, no, no. -I…

0:20:04.92 - 0:20:05.96

Fight it, Brett.

0:20:06.04 - 0:20:08.58

I finally like you now! Bring it in.

0:20:08.67 - 0:20:12.96

That's really fucking sweet, but now your DNA is useless!

0:20:13.50 - 0:20:16.33

-[partygoers] Staedtler! -Staedtler, take off your clothes!

0:20:16.42 - 0:20:19.54

Okay. How many people did you tell about my, you know?

0:20:19.63 - 0:20:21.42

I have a plan. Just do it!

0:20:21.50 - 0:20:24.46

I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off long enough for you to escape.

0:20:24.54 - 0:20:25.79

Brett, that's insane.

0:20:25.88 - 0:20:28.04

Who would be that suicidally friendly?

0:20:28.13 - 0:20:29.17

Brett would.

0:20:29.88 - 0:20:32.21

I… I actually like you too, Brett.

0:20:32.29 - 0:20:33.71

-Sincerely. -Sincerely.

0:20:34.42 - 0:20:36.08

-Staedtler! -Go!

0:20:36.17 - 0:20:37.29

[man] Staedtler!

0:20:37.38 - 0:20:39.33

Hey, it's me, Staedtler!

0:20:39.42 - 0:20:40.33

Huh?

0:20:41.67 - 0:20:43.79

Attack me with your wrong love.

0:20:43.88 - 0:20:47.00

[grunts] Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow!

0:20:49.54 - 0:20:52.33

You know, Tamiko? I've been in a cage for so long.

0:20:52.96 - 0:20:54.58

Uh, emotionally.

0:20:54.67 - 0:20:57.92

But tonight is the first time I've ever felt free.

0:20:58.00 - 0:21:00.63

You sound nothing like the man I divorced.

0:21:00.71 - 0:21:03.92

For one thing, you're not holding in bong smoke.

0:21:04.00 - 0:21:05.54

There's something I must tell you.

0:21:06.13 - 0:21:08.00

You're about to fuck a machine!

0:21:08.08 - 0:21:09.29

God, I hope so.

0:21:12.79 - 0:21:16.25

I asked this two-faced bag of bolts to trick you into banging me,

0:21:16.33 - 0:21:17.38

and he betrayed me.

0:21:17.46 - 0:21:21.46

This entire thing wasn't real? Paris? Your poetry?

0:21:21.54 - 0:21:23.50

But it was real, Tamiko.

0:21:23.58 - 0:21:24.88

I've fallen for you,

0:21:24.96 - 0:21:28.42

and my facial recognition software tells me you feel this too!

0:21:29.04 - 0:21:31.54

-Oh. -Time to force quit, asshole.

0:21:31.63 - 0:21:33.13

Bring it, blood sack!

0:21:33.21 - 0:21:35.00

She deserves better than you!

0:21:35.08 - 0:21:39.29

[grunting]

0:21:40.25 - 0:21:41.33

[laughs maniacally]

0:21:41.42 - 0:21:44.88

[grunting]

0:21:44.96 - 0:21:47.17

I'm not not into this.

0:21:47.83 - 0:21:49.04

[punching continues]

0:21:49.71 - 0:21:51.38

[partygoers] Staedtler!

0:21:51.46 - 0:21:53.33

Think, Reagan, think!

0:21:53.42 - 0:21:55.17

-What? -Um, nothing.

0:21:55.25 - 0:21:56.71

No, I know that look.

0:21:56.79 - 0:21:59.63

That's the "I have an idea but I don't want to say it" look.

0:21:59.71 - 0:22:02.17

Like the time you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons.

0:22:02.25 - 0:22:03.38

Damn it!

0:22:04.00 - 0:22:06.96

Well, the thing is they can't be infatuated with you

0:22:07.04 - 0:22:08.63

if they can't remember you.

0:22:08.71 - 0:22:12.67

Of course. Erase their minds. It's what I'm good at.

0:22:12.75 - 0:22:14.42

The whole point of you working here

0:22:14.50 - 0:22:17.46

was so you didn't have to erase people's memories anymore.

0:22:17.54 - 0:22:19.13

What other choice do we have?

0:22:19.21 - 0:22:21.58

We need to amplify the gun's signal somehow.

0:22:21.67 - 0:22:24.04

Can we hotwire it into the building's lighting system?

0:22:24.13 - 0:22:26.58

[sighs] Yes, with this.

0:22:26.67 - 0:22:29.58

It was a gift for you to celebrate you signing the contract.

0:22:31.54 - 0:22:33.25

[banging on door]

0:22:39.33 - 0:22:41.75

-[man] Staedtler! -Pull the trigger on my mark.

0:22:41.83 - 0:22:43.21

Staedtler!

0:22:43.29 - 0:22:45.38

-Three. -[woman] Staedtler!

0:22:45.46 - 0:22:47.38

-Two. -Staedtler!

0:22:47.46 - 0:22:48.33

One.

0:22:49.25 - 0:22:51.33

-Staedtler! -Now!

0:22:52.21 - 0:22:55.75

[partygoers in slow motion] Staedtler! Staedtler!

0:22:56.38 - 0:22:57.25

[gasping] [man] Huh?

0:23:03.46 - 0:23:05.54

-[power fades] -[gasps]

0:23:06.50 - 0:23:08.13

Uh, who are you?

0:23:08.21 - 0:23:10.92

[Myc] And why is my tentacle on your butt?

0:23:11.00 - 0:23:13.13

Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler.

0:23:13.21 - 0:23:14.46

Nice to meet you all.

0:23:14.54 - 0:23:16.25

-Hi. Nice to meet you. -Hello.

0:23:16.33 - 0:23:19.21

-You probably wanna get back to the party. -The party?

0:23:19.29 - 0:23:20.92

The Halloween party, in the atrium?

0:23:21.00 - 0:23:22.71

-[man] Okay. -[woman] Okay.

0:23:22.79 - 0:23:23.63

Hold on!

0:23:23.71 - 0:23:26.38

Uh, remember how you guys did a group costume?

0:23:26.46 - 0:23:28.08

-Huh. Sure. -[Myc] All right.

0:23:29.71 - 0:23:31.42

See, we do work well together.

0:23:32.42 - 0:23:35.79

Look, I've been thinking. Our work is the problem.

0:23:35.88 - 0:23:38.83

Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do,

0:23:38.92 - 0:23:42.58

the shadow government is always gonna put a strain on our relationship.

0:23:42.67 - 0:23:46.29

We'll figure out how to balance our lives and jobs eventually.

0:23:46.38 - 0:23:47.21

[crashing]

0:23:47.29 - 0:23:50.33

-You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you! -You never appreciated her.

0:23:50.42 - 0:23:52.83

I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be.

0:23:52.92 - 0:23:57.75

Stop. Why would I think after 35 years of marriage you would ever change?

0:23:57.83 - 0:24:01.92

There is no way I am ever getting back together with you.

0:24:02.00 - 0:24:02.96

Free advice?

0:24:03.04 - 0:24:06.71

Everyone who works at this place either starts insane or goes insane.

0:24:06.79 - 0:24:08.42

Get out while you still can.

0:24:09.71 - 0:24:12.71

Did you hear that? They made it work for 35 years.

0:24:12.79 - 0:24:16.38

I should probably go. I have to clear my head and think.

0:24:16.46 - 0:24:18.58

About the job? Or about us?

0:24:19.63 - 0:24:20.92

Just… Uh…

0:24:21.67 - 0:24:22.50

Just think.

0:24:25.42 - 0:24:27.79

[exhales] So when is Staedtler starting?

0:24:27.88 - 0:24:30.29

I really like that guy. Did he say anything about me?

0:24:30.38 - 0:24:31.33

[sighs]

0:24:32.29 - 0:24:33.92

We'll always have Holo-Paris.

0:24:34.00 - 0:24:37.13

Whatever, tinman. This is just a temporary setback.

0:24:37.21 - 0:24:39.42

As long as I'm head of Cognito,

0:24:39.50 - 0:24:42.79

there will always be another way to win her back.

0:24:43.46 - 0:24:47.83

Rand Ridley, report to the Holo-conference line immediately.

0:24:47.92 - 0:24:49.75

The Robes wish to discuss

0:24:49.83 - 0:24:53.38

your performance as head of Cognito.

0:24:53.46 - 0:24:55.63

[ominous music plays]

0:24:56.75 - 0:24:58.88

Shall I log you into Monster.com?

0:24:58.96 - 0:24:59.88

[bell tolls]

0:24:59.96 - 0:25:01.88

[dramatic music plays]

0:25:27.21 - 0:25:30.88

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